What do you do when you feel like you are doing all the right things, actively engaged in a process of improvement for life, yet things are just not happening? I mentioned last time that it starts with a period of quiet reflection and asking yourself the question, “What is your vanity preventing you from dealing with?” [click link here]
My response to that challenge was to invite someone into the specific part of your life that is not working and simply say, “I need help with this”. That takes humility – but doing that is like rolling down the window and letting the stale air out, especially if you are willing to really listen to what comes back.
Here is the fifth and final soul searching question you need to ask yourself. “What is the one thing you keep repeating to yourself that makes you feel really uncomfortable?“ Let me ask you another way. What is the secret you carry that makes you feel shame or freaks you out at the thought of actually taking action on it?
A Defining Moment
There is no greater testimony to building trust with someone as when they say to me, “I’ve never told anyone else this”. In fact, I use this statement in my coaching practice as both a barometer and rite of passage to enter into the deep recesses of a client’s inner life. What follows that moment often determines if a person will become bitter from the reality of how hard life really is or become better by looking for the lesson and expanding their understanding.
The role of Shame and Guilt
Guilt is the negative emotion we feel when we’ve hurt someone else, Shame is what we feel when we’ve failed to live up to our own expectations and have affected our own conscience. It is interesting to note that we feel one or both of these powerful negative emotions when we fall short of what is expected or “miss the mark”. It is further interesting to note that the Greek word for “missing the mark” is ἁμαρτία hamartia or “Sin”. Most people don’t realize to call someone else a sinner is to literally say that in a specific area of life that they didn’t hit the bullseye of what could be described as “their best”. Why is this important? Because we all have needs and when they go unmet we often settle for lower order ways [wanting love, settling for porn] to fulfill them. Like Cold Stone Creamery, it tastes so sweet, but leaves us bloated, gassy and empty the next day!
Three Deadly Dark Secrets
- Pride – I can manipulate almost any situation to get what I want. I float above the law
- Greed – I’m not stingy, I’m frugal. No free handouts. I’m not giving $$ – you gotta earn it
- Lust – Hey, when I go on the boys trip, a little lap dance and some light action is normal
Shame and Guilt is actually a good thing in that it can lead us to a much higher expectation for life – when we process it. Do you want to do something far scarier than jumping out of an airplane? Tell someone about a [repetitive] thought that you are really shocked that you even entertain. This is not about judging others or overlooking the realities of how complex the mind is in that it can take us to strange places – it’s about being freed up from ideas that are derailing our best interests.
And I close the series with this quote: “One is apt to think of moral failure as due to weakness of character: more often it is due to an inadequate ideal.” – R Livingstone
Closing thought? Elevate your Ideal
Next Step Take 15-30 minutes each morning to reflect an area where you’ve set the bar way too low. Come to a conclusion about elevating the ideal in that area, then start a conversation with someone you trust and respect.
Do you want a personal deep dive discussion on this? Click here
This is the fifth and final part of our series taken directly from
“The Rewired Group – Coaching Experience”.