Understanding the truth of a situation is important, but there is something equally as important than “truth”. And it is tied into this reality:
Humans have a deeper desire to belong.
From business partnerships to married couples on the verge of calling it quits, I’ve pleaded with many in conflict to be careful when, where and how to use the “truth card”. I’ve seen really smart people win the “truth” debate at the expense of tearing up families and even small communities.
In Atomic Habits, James Clear wrote, “Humans are herd animals. We want to fit in, to bond with others, and to earn the respect and approval of our peers. Such inclinations are essential to our survival. For most of our evolutionary history, our ancestors lived in tribes. Becoming separated from the tribe—or worse, being cast out—was a death sentence.”
So what do we do with this info? If you need to help someone understand “the truth” about the situation or themselves, consider this:
The way to change people’s minds is to become friends with them, to integrate them into your tribe, to bring them into your circle. Now, they can change their beliefs without the risk of being abandoned socially.
Convincing someone to change their mind is really the process of convincing them to change their tribe. If they abandon their beliefs, they run the risk of losing social ties. You can’t expect someone to change their mind if you take away their community too. You have to give them somewhere to go. Nobody wants their worldview torn apart if loneliness is the outcome.
This is why Facts Don’t Change Our Minds. Friendship Does.
Abraham Lincoln’s quote reinforces this idea: “I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.”
Not just in your family or friendship circle, but even in your company, establish a better relationship to influence and persuade more effectively.
If you want to enter into a tribe of successful professionals who will handle “your truth” in a positive and transformative way, then click this link to talk.